By: Jolie
So over at The Comeback Girl we talked about women multitasking their dating. How dating like a man can help women to get perspective on what they really want and who is worthy of their time.
Here is my starting line up:
Coach: He is 24 years-old, engineer, pee wee football coach, Nigerian and the youngest boy in his family. We went out 2 times. On the 2nd date, I ended up going back to his house after dinner and we watched a comedy show. We kissed and I left.
Mr. Memory Foam: He is 25 years old. From NY, former pilot .. nice guy. I met him and saved him all in one night. I even dedicated a post to him Captain Save.. We went out a couple times after I saved him. We have slept in the bed together but nothing has gone down. He seems like the type that likes women to chase him and I’m not that woman. He said usually women are the aggressors with him.. BOO!
The Doctor: I dated Doc back in July. We went out on a couple of dates. We have never kissed. He is a psychiatrist, 37 years old, divorced with a grown child. He seems very much marriage minded and would like to have more kids. He recently texted me and we set up a date for November for a wine festival in Williamsburg. Did I mention he was tall, dark and handsome and 6ft 7!!!!
Mr. Red Stripe: I dated him back in 2003. He worked were I worked we started dating.But like most Caribbean men that have come my way he was not ready for anything serious and enjoyed playing the field. He talks to my mother on occasions (long story). She gave him my number and he texted me asking me to come to Charlotte. He thinks we should have a weekend getaway so he can explain and try to rekindle our romance of 2003. I am thinking about it.. I think he just called cause he just hit the BIG 3-0 ..
Mr. LightBright: He is a tall yellow brother with lots of swagger. He is a new one who I met at a wine tasting. He works for the govt. We are going out this weekend.. He is 30 .. something . I guess I need to find that out.
Mr Tenderoni: He is the youngest and a new thing for me with much younger men.. He is only 22. Recent Grad. We went to undergrad together and he told me recently that he had a crush on me. I think its cute. He is on the radar.. but pretty far down.. due to his age.
I don’t believe you can really know someone in just a couple of dates, and I don’t like having to choose so early on in the process. Ideally, I would prefer many dates before making up my mind whether someone was relationship material for me.
Now that I have kissed one, do I need to break it off with the other and follow through to sexual experiences (I am still in the celibacy club but I’d like to break the shackles and get my freak on) to see how it goes? What if it’s terrible and I’ve lost my chance with the other person? It doesn’t seem right to be having sex with more than one person at a time. But I really don’t think I can necessarily choose between two people without some sexual chemistry as input to the decision.
I can’t just pursue one person at a time. I would lose weeks on jerks that drop the ball or change their mind or whatever. There’s nothing wrong with making 3 coffee dates for the same weekend. But what if 2 of them actually go somewhere? Is there anything wrong with having 2 dates for the same weekend that end in kissing?
Some people believe that until a conversation takes place establishing the relationship as an exclusive arrangement, its okay to do whatever with anyone you want. I am not sure I share this opinion, but I am starting to see its wisdom. If you want to meet a lot of people and find the right match for you, it’s very hard to on a one-by-one all-exclusive basis. You don’t want to miss your chance with that special someone and timing just doesn’t always cooperate.
What do you think? How shall I proceed? I would like to ultimately find a long-term relationship but I need to feel confident that the person is the right match. I have screwed that up before.
Jolie Fatale
FeFe Fatale
27 Comments
October 16, 2008 at 10:52 am
DAMN YOU with all these options, Jolie! LOL
I am a subscriber to the until-he-asks-you-nothing is exclusive. I’ve been burned (NOT physically. LOL) many times because I assumed we were exclusive.
Have your fun chica! I’m part of the Celibacy club and although I have my beliefs, I’d never pressure anyone else to keep em locked.
October 16, 2008 at 11:05 am
@nicki: now you dun mentioned Jesus and made me feel bad… sigh..
October 16, 2008 at 11:18 am
“He is a psychiatrist, 37 years old, divorced with a grown child”
hole up **blows whistle** bullshyt on the diversification-three stikes on the psychiatrist **blows whistle 5 times..shuffles my heels in the dirt**
how grown is the child???
October 16, 2008 at 11:19 am
i gotta make this my lunch time read.
October 16, 2008 at 11:19 am
@Jolie: Aw man… I so sorry! I didn’t want to make you feel bad!!!!!
@Comeback: not three strikes on the psychiatrist????!!!! LOL. I’m a pscyhology major.
October 16, 2008 at 11:21 am
@comeback: his son is 22 years old.. just graduated from undergrad and in his first year of law school. I know you can do the math. He had his son at a young age. He never married his sons mother. However he did marry about 3 years ago and divorced about a year later.
I know, I know .. when he told me a 22 year old son.. I almost fell off my bar stool.
October 16, 2008 at 11:22 am
@nicki and comeback: y’all would consider that 3 strikes?
He is a really nice guy. He loves to travel. He loves all the good music I do. He can also kinda hold a tune. Our second date was a cookout with his friends.. of course everyone was married there and i was the youngest woman there but a good time was had by all. lol
October 16, 2008 at 11:45 am
fyi: Jolie likes old men, so these younger ones, though she is being an equal opportunist, have NO chance.
sorry for being real Jolie. But I am shooting for Mr. Red Stripe- he is older than you, but not old, and seems to have made an effort to get back in contact with you.
i actually, however, think the opposite of this multitasking dating theory. i find that when i have a team, that no one stands a chance because i can never give one more attention than the other. therefore, i end up not knowing any one of them well and things remain very superficial. thats why ive taken a new approach and hav decided to focus on one for a lil, determine how i feel about him, and either keep it moving with him, or move on without him.
and btw… who is Mr. Light Bright, sis. I havent gotten the scoop on him yet have i?
October 16, 2008 at 11:48 am
re the shrink…his @zz needs to shrink on the fact he likes MUCH younger women and **takes out calculator** and was 15 pushin out kids. I wont even ask how old the mama was..hopefully she was out of diapers and taking baby steps and shyt.
October 16, 2008 at 11:50 am
@comeback: the mama was 16 …
He said he used to like older women and his ex wife is an older woman BUT women in their forties dont want kids and he does.. .. I think I’m the youngest person he has ever dated. .
@ fefe:
mr. light bright was at the wine party where you got picked up by dude.. you know .. his haitian friend..
October 16, 2008 at 11:52 am
“@comeback: the mama was 16 ”
my 3rd eye and connecting with that. i need you to reverify this.
October 16, 2008 at 11:56 am
my 3rd eye ain’t
October 16, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Well the story isnt that great. He got her pregnant the first time him and her lost their virginity. They tried to get an abortion but she was farther along than expected and they didnt have 700 dollars so they kept him. While he was in school he basically acted like he didnt have a kid. He went away to colleg and she raised their son. He came back here for grad school and started helping raising his son and eventually was full-time with him. His son went to a private boys school here in dc, then to school out west and is now in law school.. Its a much longer story but it definitely didnt shed a good light on him in the early years.
October 16, 2008 at 1:17 pm
LOL at Jolie and her love for old men!
His age would freak me out… No lie. Plus he’s child’s age…. that’s like 6 years younger than me… his friends would be calling you a MILF (if it ever got that far!) (Dude, your step mom is hot… coming around, waiting for you to get out the shower)…
I know I took REALLY Far, but I’m just saying.
October 16, 2008 at 1:30 pm
@nicki: yes, i love me some old men as long as they dont look old .. and i’m not ALONE .. a lot of late twenty somethings like older men..
October 16, 2008 at 1:39 pm
@Jolie: Yeah, I think T mentioned it. Eck… they might give you worms. [j/k, j/k No clue what this means... a friend used to say that to her sister all the time who dated older]
October 16, 2008 at 3:05 pm
let’s be easy on Jolie ladies… and think of the pluses of older men…
i would have more of a problem dating a divorced man then dating an older man. shoot LL cool J is 39, so is will smith, and Jay Z, and Diddy, and Morris Chestnut is 37 and so is Hill Harper and Idris Alba… so ladies, we dont really have a problem with old men. if Idis asked me out i would not tell him that he is too old.
and in all fairness to the man… life is real and we never know what happens in life. so yeah he has an old ass kid.. thats only a problem of that comes with BM drama and if he was a dead beat dad.
ok so the pluses of old men:
1. they more often know what they want and dont play as many games
2. they dont get hung up on trvial shit like who should pay for a date
3. theyve had time to learn about life, therefore they dont have to use you as an experiment
4. the type that jolie goes for are financially secure and cultured. theyre not still rockin do-rags and baggy jeans
5. they know what it takes to get and keep a younger woman and most times try harder at it because they know that they have more to lose than a younger woman does. so they dont take that for granted.
October 16, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Damn, you’re talking like 37 is ancient. I feel like I have 1 foot in the grave at 30 over here….but I know y’all are a few years younger than I am. My BFF is 29 and dating a guy who is 46, and he is WONDERFUL to her. He’s a lot more patient, attentive and understanding than guys she’s dated our age….he’s already got all (ok most) of the foolishness out of his system and has a better understanding of how to deal with us complex creatures. There is something to be said for life experience.
And as far as the “child” goes….well, shit happens. When my son is 22 I’ll be 38 (he’ll actually turn 22 when I’m still 37). And I’m very proud to wear my MILF label (just don’t wanna hear it from his friends…ew. But I know he hears it).
As far as the topic at hand….my approach has been to throw it all at the wall and see what sticks. People will gradually drop off and then you’re left with your frontrunner. I think focusing on one person at a time is setting yourself up for disappointment because you’re basically exclusive and he’s not. Definitely have to establish exclusivity with “the talk” but til then, all is fair.
And you put THAT much stock in kissing??? Wow.
October 16, 2008 at 7:50 pm
If you like any of them go for it. See what happens. Cream always rises to the top.
October 17, 2008 at 4:43 am
where’s the post for rants..i’ll link into you when its done
October 17, 2008 at 11:24 am
This post is soooo funny, because whenever anyone asks me about who I am dating, I always respond with, “well, I have a nice roster right now.” Lol!! I think this is the best way to date. You can’t deny chemistry and compatibility. The person that I usually tend to continue with does something to show himself worthy, and has done something to make himself a shining star rather than getting lost among the fray.
I don’t really like to call this dating like a man, moreso dating smart. Think about it, when you buy a car or a home, you don’t jump into an exclusive agreement and or contract with the first car/house you see, regardless of how much you like it. You still have to see what else is out there.
I am a strong advocate of dating more than one man at a time. And so that the lines are never blurred, I don’t assume any type of exclusivity until there has been a conversation about it that explicitly draws boundaries and expectations.
October 19, 2008 at 3:37 pm
I’m sorry, I guess I’m missing something. Why only date one person @ a time? Unless you and he decide you want to be exclusive assume is he dating multiple people and so should you. As it relates to kissing multiple people, I think it’s fine, but when it comes to sex, I think u should choose one b/c multiple sexual partners just seems a little gross to me. To many hands in the cookie jar!
Have fun & happy dating!
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