Ladies,
Let’s be real with ourselves. If we say that we don’t want our next relationship to be another HLF* or FWB, then we need to put our foot down and not let this happen.
I say this because I have found this to be an epidemic in my life. I succeed at everything, but fail at relationships. Why is this?
Stated simply; I give it up to quick. Not quick like first night quick, but quick like having sex before the guy is my boyfriend quick. This results in a monogamous yet uncommitted relationship. Then feelings get deep and we have to have the dreaded “What are we/What is our status/How do I introduce you to my friends” conversation.
I’ve gone back to my morals and realized that Courting should not involve sex! I’ve found that when sex is intertwined with dating and hanging out and getting to know the other, things get very sticky. No pun intended. What happens when you all form a true friendship and a fabulous sex life? I’ll tell you. In most cases, one will want to take the relationship to the next level, but the other won’t. Then you have to decide what appeals to you more- the friendship, or the sex. Generally, the friendship won’t last and a new “friend” will be found.
Why won’t the friendship last?
You’ve developed a quasi boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. You’ve had fun together, met the friends and fam, but never had a title. So when things don’t progress the way they should, feelings get all sensi and rejection and shock and awe set in. Basically you go through a breakup and were never even “together.”
Why people stay in these relationships?
The sex is good and it beats going out and finding a new partner. Women prefer familiar D. We stick with what we know to be good. This way we don’t have to up our numbers while on a conquest to find some new D. Men stay because for the most part this HLF relationship has been drama free, they have on call P, and they don’t have to worry about spittin game on the deaf ears of every woman that walks by at 1223 or K St. Lounge every Wednesday. It’s easy.
Where most HLF and FWB's develop
Why not continue the “relationship”?
Ladies: You’ll be settling. Yeah the sex is good, so what. You can always find new D. But for the most part, that’s not what you truly want. Even if you are one of those “I am too-busy -for -relationships- power women.” That’s a forthcoming blog all in itself. You use sex as a way to hold on to someone that doesn’t want you. And that’s settling.
Gentleman: I see your point. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? You have it easy. You have a friend, great sex, and low drama. BUT, if it becomes apparent that the “relationship” is not satisfying either party, then it’s time to be a man and let it go.
This is just my opinion…I am sure it will change tomorrow!
Til next time America…
FeFe Fatale
*Homie Lover Friend
Jolie Fatale
FeFe Fatale
6 Comments
July 22, 2008 at 8:49 pm
Courting has to have sex.
as a man I dont know I want you until I sleep with you. has nothing to do with morals its just a reality.
men so dont have it easy…
because if your sleeping with me and Im not trying to marry you … 9 times out of 10 the only thing keeping me with you is the ease of the commitment and the fact that Im making you climb those walls on friday nights.
You still get someone for tactile reinforcement (cuddle time)
you still get someone to talk to
and you still get to hold on to a piece of a man who otherwise wouldnt be with you.
us men cant date up by sliding the good luvin to a pretty gal, but you ladies can get both rich, smart OR good looking guys by giving up the booty and being sweet/non confrontational.
The FWB is never a case of a hot chick sleeping with a geeky guy like myself who she says “hes sweet” and puts him in her bed. Its usually a guy a woman cant nail down … so she nails him… every friday night after the club.
Heres a twist. how about the inverse. How many unattractive middle class men like myself.. have a woman who goes out with them ONLY for dates? we are taking you out in hopes you may eventually like us or give us booty and be our official girlfriend… your just biding your time til the next great catch comes along… besides you get a free meal out of it.
Ya I wanna read your blog post on “Im too busy for a relationship” Being loved and loving someone else is WHY we work and WHY we are on this planet… not to get doe and buy new rims and show off.
July 23, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Courting does not have to involve sex. period. there is no more to the argument. If a woman gives it up to quickly in hopes of sealing the deal, she will only be left in an HLF relatationship. There may be a few caveats. Like a man who falls hopelessly in love with the woman who gave it up on the first night (ref: Morris Chestnut in “The Brothers”).
I wholeheartedly disagree with you saying that HLF are “usually a guy a woman cant nail down … so she nails him… every friday night after the club.” womp womp… wrong. HLF relationships are most times dictated by the man who doesnt want a title or any sense of committment. and then the woman convinces herself that any type of quasi-relationship is better than using her Bullet every night.
and yeah women who say that they dont have time for a relationship because they are career driven are wack. its a defense mechanism to prevent getting hurt. every woman eventually wants a husband and i am sure that once they hit that golden age of 30, their thoughts will change. blog forthcoming.
FeFe Fatale
July 25, 2008 at 11:55 pm
Ummmm…..I feel that being in a relationship does involve sex. Man or Woman, everyone loves sex. I know that society somewhat shuns the fact that women enjoy sex equally as much as men if not more. There comes a time in “courting” when is almost inevitable to not take it to the next level. What do u do? Walk away…..or enjoy a night full of unbridled passion (or at least we hope so ladies!! LOL) If you are really enjoying every aspect of the person, why not proceed. Have Fun. I feel like if the other person does not want to take it to the next level its not the events that lead up to it, its just not meant to be. Your not the one. Now, this doesn’t mean become the whore of the universe….To be continued…
July 26, 2008 at 8:10 am
yeah sex is great when you know that there is at least one level of committment. its not great when the person is sleeping with someone else and feels that he/she can do so because of the status of your relaionship. and this is what HLFs do. then when one asks the other about their indiscretions, it turns into a “do i have to right to ask him all him dating.sex business when we are just HLFs”
August 6, 2008 at 6:37 am
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August 17, 2008 at 9:36 pm
[...] want to call every former HLF in my phone and get that shit on the roof somewhere, truck stop, or park bench… [...]