In a Dream world…this nagga
By: Jolie Fatale
So..one of our besties was scanning through craigslist while she should be working and came across this. I have to say.. its ABSO HILARE!
if only he wasn’t prolly bullshatting. I should reply. What do you think?
I have a serious problem!!! Need a woman’s help. - 38 (VA/DC)
Reply to: pers-816785295@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-08-28, 1:19PM EDT
Hello there ladies. Actually, I have more than one problem that I was hoping one of you out there could help me with.
First of all, I believe my looks are causing me harm. My dark, full hair coupled with my light green eyes, excellent skin complexion (tan easily, free of all blemishes etc.) and sculpted physique have caused me nothing but trouble. Not to mention the physical difficulties that one encounters being 6′2. I’m constantly judged by my appearance and people don’t value my opinions as much as they should. That’s hurtful to a man such as myself, with an advanced degree from a prestigious university. It’s gotten the point anymore that I don’t even want to strip my shirt off to reveal my tanned chest as I go for an afternoon run. It’s like women are constantly looking at me, stopping their cars, smiling, and throwing business cards at me as some sort of taunt or form of intimidation.
Second, I believe that I may be under-endowed down below, if you know what I mean. I mean, I’ve never really compared myself to others, but I’m starting to believe that maybe 9 inches is not enough. Mostly because when women see it, they appear shocked and surprised. I half suspect that their intense cries of pleasure are for show, to make me feel better. It is obvious that they find me inadequate compared to their previous lovers.
And on the subject of making love comes my third problem: it seems that I simply can’t complete the act in anything less than an hour and a half. In today’s hectic world, with women having careers and other taxing responsibilities, I’m fearful that there is nobody out there who enjoys an hour of extensive kissing, foreplay, and pleasure focused solely on her. Followed of course by up to 30 minutes of vigorous intercourse. I have tried, but the last few women I engaged in these activities with decided instead to become religious during the act, shouting “Oh God!!” over and over and over. Awwwwwwwkward!
Fourth, I’m starting to think that perhaps all my money is more of a curse than a blessing. I believe that people are afraid to approach me because they think that perhaps the fact that I am constantly paying for everything and showering them with expensive gifts of clothing, jewelery, and fine foods is just too intimidating. I don’t know, just a feeling.
Another problem I have concerns my career. I think that maybe some people are treating me differently because I have managed to achieve senior executive status at my company at such a young age. It’s just a feeling I have. I think that maybe the exotic travel, huge bonuses, and glamorous evening galas are just part of a plan to make me feel better about the whole situation.
Oh, and also, my guy friends are constantly giving me a hard time because of the fact that I don’t watch sports on tv and the fact that while they are solely interested in hanging out at the bars, I spend a lot of time contemplating how wondrous it would be meet the right woman, get married, and settle down to have children.
Well, that’s what I’m dealing with presently. I’m hoping to meet some kind young lady who will help me with these problems and recommend solutions or at least be wiling to overlook them. Thanks!
- Location: VA/DC
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 816785295
Pissing Me OFF!
By Jolie Fatale
Ok, so instead of talking about relationships, men and love. I want to talk about something that pissed me the fug off yesterday. Although FeFe and I don’t see eye to eye on this topic. I decided to pose it to the masses.. THAT BE YOU!
The Princess and the Frog is an upcoming animated musical feature film currently being produced by Walt Disney Animation Studios and based upon the classic fairy tale The Frog Prince.The film, which began production under the working title The Frog Princess, will be an American fairy tale musical set in New Orleans during the 1920s Jazz Age, and Tiana will be the first black Disney Princess.[2]
There was some controversy when the name of the heroine of the movie (the first Black American Disney Princess) was announced as “Maddy”. The character’s name was perceived by some to be a stereotypically lower-class “black name”, and the character was also a chambermaid, an occupation some felt not in keeping with the image of a Disney Princess.
So you may be asking yourself. Whats the problem Jolie? Why are you sooo mad? Well the composer of the film is Randy Newman the same person who composed “Coal Black and the Sebban Dwarfs”
Here:
Which has me a little worried about this:
Maybe I’m a little sensitive. Maybe it will be quality? Some say I should be happy that we have a movie FINALLY.. But I just cant get over the fact that the same person who wrote the glorious lyrics in Coal Black and the Sebban Dwarfs his composing this film as well.
SO. Am I overreacting? Am I too sensi? I wanna know. Come on I can take it.
Who You Calling A B*tch!? FeFe’s take on the EBPW
BY: FEFE FATALE
Yeah maybe you are angry, or just too damned sensitive. Maybe you need not infuse your anger into every other aspect of your life.
This one goes out to all the “educated black professional women.” I am sick of hearing all these black women say that they don’t need a man in their lives and that their careers and social lives don’t leave room for one. Yeah right. Who would really be entertained by a Bullet every night instead of having the loving arms of a man wrapped around you? Not I, said the cat. No pun intended.
So you’re career driven? So what. Who cares? So is every other black woman in DC. But what is going to happen when you attain the success that you so crave and you are still single and don’t have anyone to share in the success? I will tell you. You will look around and see that time has flown by and now you are 40 with a lil quasi boyfriend and no husband and no kids. That’s some wack shit. Black women have empowered themselves so much that we’ve lost some key values. We think that we don’t need a man for anything. Yeah we can do anything on our own, but should we have to? No.
My goal in life is to have a loving family. That may not be your goal, and that’s fine. But, I am not going to bullshit myself into thinking that my career is what drives me and determines my success.
Tips to Getting Out of Your Miss Independence Mentality that Has Turned You Into a ABW:
FeFe’s Anti Bitch Movement
- Get your nose out the air. Who cares if you have a good job and salary. You don’t have to wear it on your sleeve. And every black man that has more or less does not have to bow down to you just because you graduated college 4 times over. Moreover, you shouldn’t treat anyone as less just because they didn’t.
- Get a hobby that doesn’t involve dating, running an organization, or telling someone else what to do.
- If you haven’t had a date in awhile maybe its not because all the “negroes are lames” but because you’re a wack bitch who is no fun to be around. Fix that.
- Put on a skirt and be feminine and positive.
- Let the man do something on a date or in a relationship. You don’t have to put a sign on your forehead stating that you’re independent and prove it by paying for the date, opening your own door, walking in front, washing your own car, taking out the trash and fixing the kitchen sink. Give the man the opportunity to be a man.
- You want a man… Cook something for him bitch damn. Nuff said.
- Accept help from others.
- Realize that you may indeed be an angry black woman and that it may not just be other’s perception. And if you are an ABW realize that it’s your choice to change it.
True Story of the Week: Tomatoes
*BFF Note: This is a repost from June. FeFe and I have been on vacay. We will be back up and running tomorrow but for your viewing pleasure. here ya go!*
Tomato: an old school word that is synonymous with heifer, broad, breezy, skank and the like.
NOT THIS KIND
THIS KIND
Fresh to death like a million bucks in a money green dress…hair do just right… minimal make up to let my natural goldenness shine through and a very handsome date on my arm at the yearly corporate spring event. I decide to take this gentleman with me because he knows how to schmooze with the best of them and we would look like the fitting young black power couple. (In corporate america, its all about playing the part). So we attend a black tie dinner dance in the heart of Georgetown on a gorgeous evening in April.
Perhaps I should back up a bit and tell you exactly who this gentleman is - a drama filled “ex” of mine. The relationship used to be a fun loving passionate summer romance.
Nonetheless we remained friends and I’ve moved on to new people.
So we are eating, drinking and chatting the night away having a great time. The dinner wasn’t going to last too long and we were going to part ways after- I with my own plans, and he with his. His friends decided to meet him after the dinner so that they could engage in their usual debauchery throughout the city. And all is well.
Now the drinks are through the veins and all is well. Then he says “Rose*… I am going to run downstairs. My boys are here, I will be right back” And all is well.
Within the next few minutes, I reach down into my metallic gold blinged out clutch to read a text message that says “My ex showed up.” Immediately I think ‘well tell that bitch to leave.’ He comes up stairs and tells me whats going on… I say “well tell her to leave and let’s go get another drink.” We proceed to the bar.
The next thing you know this Tomato is walking up the stairs into my very own corporate engagement. Homegirl has on her prom dress from 11th grade and the latest my-bestfriend-did-my-hair updo
He does a u-turn and tries to get her to go downstairs.
Now I am drunk, and angry, and fly and a this black tie affair. There is no time for ghettoness. So what would one do in this predicament… KICK THAT TOMATO OUT!
I say to the organizers of the event:
“What do you do if you know someone is crashing the party?”
Organizers: “We kick them out”
Me pointing: “Well she’s not supposed to be here”
Organizers” “Who is she?”
Me with one eyebrow raised: “My dates ex”
Organizers: “OH HELL NAW… SHE GOTTA GO… AND YOU’RE BEST DRESSED UP IN HERE ANYWAY”
Note: All the black women in the company (all five of them) happened to be the organizers so you know they had my back.
But the Tomato decides to leave on her own. She and my date walk back downstairs. He continues to tell me not to leave and that he will handle it all.
So now they are downstairs talking by the fountain near Sequoias and Tony and Joes.
I sit and stew for a little bit.
Sit.
Stew.
Sit.
Get up.
I go downstairs walk right up to the both of them and simply tell her that she is not going to crash MY event. In fact the conversation went exactly like this.
“Good evening. My name is FeFe*. And this is MY date. Now I don’t know what is going on with the two of you, but you are not going to come to my company event and compromise MY professionalism with whatever drama you have going on between the two of you. This is a private event and YOU (pointing in her face) are not supposed to be here.”
She says nothing.
I walk away…
think about it…
and say to myself
“There is NO WAY that I am going to let this Rave wearin breezie come up and try to start some shit at my event…
So I walk back
… and push her in the 4 foot deep fountain
True story… end of story
So the question is .. would you do the SAME ?
Don’t Worry BE Happy
Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. if you dont, you will leak away your innate contentment. Its easy enough to pray when you’re in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments.A lot of things have been going on in my life lately. Although on the outside I would seem to have it all together the reality is: I STRESS. I stress about almost everything. I recently realized that stressing is not helping anyone and is really showing how I am not using my FAITH in GOD to get me through. I think its true that we only pray when times are hard or we need something and I am defintely going to change that ASAP. I just have felt that as soon as I feel really really happy things like this happen that damper my spirits.
Happiness IS the consequence of personal effort. The key word PERSONAL ; no one else can make you happy but you. As we fight to keep our relationships with others, fight for our educations and to break that glass ceiling we should fight 10 times harder for ourselves and to find our happiness.
I think I can speak for myself and FeFe in saying that we are both TRULY blessed individuals who have so many things to be thankful for so instead of a RANT I am going to list 5 things that I am thankful for:
- My health
- My family
- My friends
- My home
- My FUTURE
So in the midst of my storm I will be HAPPY for all that I have and all that I will have in the FUTURE.
SO what are you thankful for? What blessings have you received this week?
Triflin Heiffers Who Ruin Good Black Men
Ok, so this is where I side with all our male readers who think that “Women ain’t shit.” Some women aren’t. And I will quickly tell you about those who fit this description.
My friend is 27, educated, good job, good looking, good credit, homeowner- all the stuff that a woman would want to find in a man. A few years ago, however, he was young and dumb and ended up with two baby mamas. Being the man that he is, he took responsibility and acted like an exemplary father. He even named one of the kids after him, calling him Jr.
The baby mamas are educated, good job, good looking, good credit, homowners. He was was about to marry baby mama #2 and raise all children in the same household.
Fast forward, before they make the relationship official, something crosses his mind to get a paternity test for both children.
Drum roll please…..
“AND HE IS NOT THE FATHER!” …. OF EITHER CHILD.
These bitches done had him paying child supoort and playing Cliff Huxstable for 4 years when they knew that the child could possibly not be his.
Triflin bitches. To top it off Jr.’s father is a married man who was married when his mama conceived. So now, poor lil Junior is left without a Daddy. I want to fight these heiffers.
My friend is so hurt and I feel for him. I want to fight these heiffers.
Just goes to show that all that Maury drama doesn’t just happen in the hood.
**It’s these women who make these men bitter. Now when i meet a black man i have to prove that not all of US are NOT like these breezies. So now, I spend the entire relationship just trying to overcome the shadow that they’ve cast on all black women.**
Poll: Who is down to ride out on these hoes with FeFe?
Pissed,
FeFe
WTF? Why me!
By:Jolie Fatale
So here’s the background. Several years ago I dated a guy. Things were great. Chemistry was out of this world. One day, at dinner he told me “God told me your not the one” or something like that but I definitely know GOD was in the sentence. SO we broke up. He tried to be friends and I shut it down. Needless to say fast forward 1 year later he invites me to his wedding! He met a girl 2 months after we stopped seeing each other at church and since they practiced celibacy they married a year later. Mind you; He invited me to the ceremony but not the reception. Needless to say I didn’t go!
Fast forward to 2007. He contacts me via a social networking site. I ignore the email. He sends a couple more and then eventually I respond. We decide to be friends. I talk to him about the wife and kids. YES KIDS.. in 2007 they had a 1.5 yr old and 1 on the way.
So all our contact had been via phone where I talked about my relationships some of the problems, issues about his kids and how FABULOUS he said his life was. So to my surprise a couple days ago he hits me up on messenger on this site:
Well here is a snippet of what he said to me all from messenger:
Him: “I have kept my distance at times because I am still in love with you! But I am also in love with my wife. You are a good woman Jolie and I did not appreciate it until after we were not in a romantic relationship. But I can say that you are going to find that man who can appreciate you for all that you are.
7:30 PM: I will go to the grave in love with you Jolie. I know that this is water under the bridge and the hand of time can not be reversed but I had to let you know how I felt.Him: I actually got in trouble with (insert wife’s name) because of our increased convos a few months ago
Me: why are you telling me this ?
Him:Part of it. Because I could not handle it. I mean don’t get me wrong I love my wife but there are just certain things that only you give me.
Him: We complimented each other well
Me: I am content in the path that we have both taken. I don’t look back. I don’t live my life with regrets
Him: I am content too. I mean (insert wives name)and I have a lot of things to work on that were not issues in our relationship so I just have to pray that the path that I am on now will make me happy
I end this convo by saying that we should be friends but not have contact. That he should seek help in the church and work things out with his wife. That I don’t live in WHAT IF’s and the past that all I can do is honor the present and my future and move on. SO this morning I get an email on the site. MY dumbass checks it. It says:
Subject: If only . . .
Hey Jolie,
I know that this has been an interesting few days for the both of us, and all I think about is if only things went a different way. However I also know that God takes us down the paths that we are on for a reason. I want you to know that a very real and big piece of me will always be in love with you. In the short time that we dated you provide me with so much and I am forever grateful for having you in my life.
A bit of me wishes that I could leave this life and enter into eternity with you. You made me happy, and beside from my children no other person has made me feel that way. I pray that my wife will grow to be as supportive, caring, and encouraging as you are but up to this point I can honestly say that there is a void in my life that you filled so perfectly. But I also have to be practical and honor the commitment that I have made. I can only pray that you can find someone who will love you more than I ever could because you are an awesome, and amazing woman and that is what you deserve.
Love you always,
(insert man’s name I used to date)
Seriously… what am I supposed to do. What would you do? I just ignored the message and I’m not going to respond. So what would you all do? How would you handle it ? Does anyone else find this shocking my mouth is STILL OPEN IN SHOCK. This man has been married 3 yrs in December has a 2 yr old and a 4 mth old! What is he thinking?! HELP!
Can’t Go It Alone… Sighhh
By: FeFe Fatale
I am trying to save money so I don’t shop as much. I am trying to get abs like Janet, so I don’t eat whatever I want and I go to the gym everyday. I am trying to get abs like Janet, so I don’t drink either. And most importantly, I am trying something new in my life and that’s NOT HAVING SEX.
Simply put; I am miserable! Complete and utterly miserable. I can deal with the no shopping, and no bad foods thing, but the no sex in the champagne room thing- I can’t dig it.
I think the purpose of human beings is to have sex. Our bodies are wired for it. We are just supposed to do it. But this not having sex thing has severely thrown off the equilibrium in my life. Here is how:
- My mind is always in the gutter
- I can’t even focus on the little things like grocery shopping. Everytime I pick up a banana or cucumber my heart starts racing.
- I want to call every former HLF in my phone and get that shit on the roof somewhere, truck stop, or park bench… daydreams…………. Ok I am back. Wooosah
I know what you all are thinking. That I should do it on my own. But, the fact of the matter is that I can’t. I am not physically incapable of going it “Alone” but I am mentally incapable of doing so. I have some type of mental barrier and I need the real thing in my life. I don’t own any flicks, magazines, Bullets, ticklers, or massagers. They just don’t work for me. There is something about the physical touch of a man that just sends me over the edge.
I don’t even want a man to lick the wrapper right now, because if he does I will eventually want the lollipop. I am a firecracker that’s waiting to go off. A bomb that’s ready to explode. My heart is racing as I type this because I am thinking of all the infinite possibilities out there that I am not seizing.
So by now, I bet your wondering why I haven’t gotten any in awhile. It’s because I am in a mother effin long distance relationship. The guy is GREAT! I like him a lot and am going to make it work. The distance thing shouldn’t be an issue for too much longer. But also, I decided not to give it up to someone until I feel that we are both on the same page about each other. I don’t want another HLF/FWB relationship. No pain, no gain I guess.
Alas. Sigh. Woe. That’s all I can say for now. Maybe I will change my mind and make a late night phonecall tonight. But hopefully I can last these next 2 weeks til the real deal.
So long America. But one thing before i go… Can you go it alone? What should I do for these next two weeks of physical hormonal libido trauma?
Woefully,
FeFe
Up in the Club! Happy Friday
By Jolie Fatale:
On the occasions that I do have to go clubbing (like this weekend) I only go in small groups of trusted friends who will have my back should something go down. I also make a conscious effort not to look like I want to kill you. However, if some basic rules/guidelines were observed by dudes, then (in my opinion) I would be a lot more inclined to speak to you:
DO’s
1. Do speak proper English (or at least standard English). Really.
2. Do dress appropriately. Attire sets the tone of how I treat you. Dress like a fool and you will be treated thusly.
3. Behave like you were brought up not dragged up.
4. Be a gentleman. “Please” and “thank you” still work.
DONT’s
1. No means no. If you ask me to dance and I say “no thank you” do not grab me and do the “come on baby” thing, or call me a bitch. Either scenario is guaranteed to get you hurt/cut.
2. Give me a moment. Don’t jump/rush me the minute I set foot in the place. That level of eagerness is only cute if you are a puppy.
3. NEVER EVER approach a woman on some “Hi baby/boo/hoe/sexy” shit because you WILL get shot down. Instead introduce yourself like you got some fcuking sense.
4. If you dress thugged out in the club, you will be treated as if you are thugged out. Simply put, dress to impress.
i. Act like a fcuking gentleman and not a rapper.
5. Do not pull our hair, grab our ass, or play touchy feely when dancing, or even just passing by. That automatically gets us calling you dog to every girl in the club. Surefire way of not getting laid.
6. Don’t pull out wads of cash unless you’re looking to attract groupie golddigging hoe. Trust, the decent women will be turned off by your gesture
i. Stop being “flossy” to attract women. The money you spent on a $300 bottle of Grey Goose could have been put towards a gun that you should have used to kill yourself.
7. Don’t be a baby. Learn to handle rejection. Man up.
i. -Stop acting like mark-ass bitches.
- Stop having rigid physical standards if you look like an old puppy. and stop getting mad when a pretty woman doesn’t want you. You know what the fuck you look like. At least try to be charming if you are lacking in looks.
- If a woman says “I have a man”, that means “I don’t want to talk to you”. This isn’t up for discussion, leave.
Fact: when you see a group of attractive, sexy and confident women, trust that they are confident enough to approach you if they are interested! Men in the club is usually a no no…i mean, men go to the club, recycle the same line, overdraft their debit card and make a fool of themselves at least 38 consecutive times in conquest of club coochie-AND WE KNOW THIS!!!! If you are intriguing enough that we actually want to talk to you, then you will get a smile, sexy squint or maybe even the innocent lip lick. Ow!
Why the FCUK?!
Jolie Note: All this talk of Chivalry this week. This post seemed well.. fitting. Shout out to La Baie Fatale for the story!!!
I’m what you would call an anti-feminist feminist. Maybe we can just go with half ass feminist.lol I believe in women’s rights. I believe that women deserve to have careers with equal pay and equal recognition. We deserve any job a man has. I believe that women can be good moms; good wives and have a career woman all at the same time. (Yes, it will be hard, but it can be done)
I also believe in traditional roles… A man should fix things around the house, change the car oil, mow the lawn, etc. A woman should cook Sunday dinner and Holiday meals. A woman should fix her little girls hair and sew on her hubbys missing buttons etc. Yet I do believe that those roles are interchangeable. (my mom mowed the lawn, took out the trash and anything else that she could do on her own w/out having to pay someone to do it. ie Painting the house.)However when my “part- time” dad did decide to come around…he went right back to his “manly duties” and mom went right back to hers.
A view of mine that will NEVER change… A MAN SHOULD TAKE OUT THE TRASH! My friends have been laughing at me about this since college and I continue to maintain these beliefs. Any guy that came into our apartment back then (or even into our house now) was given this test. Please note: We didn’t always have the trash just sitting there piled high. If we had a party for example, or one of us happened to cook that day and the trash needed to be taken out…if a guy a was present and WILLINGLY went over to it, took it out of the trash can and asked where he should take it…my roomies would immediately look over at me with the “Are you happy now?” face. And my face ALWAYS read “HELL YES!”. He gets my SEAL OF APPROVAL.
I’m ranting today because I am currently having an issuue. It is with one of my roommates’ long time boyfriend. (She will prob one day come across this and automatically know it was me who wrote it and hate my guts even more than she does now.sigh.Oh well) Now don’t get me wrong this guy is not a loser. He is not a bum. He is however pissing me the fcuk off because he is supposed to be a “Southern gent” and should know better. He is currently staying with us for the summer (rent free) which is not a big deal to me at all. He’s easy to get along with and from what I can tell is a good boyfriend to my friend. He washes her clothes, cooks her dinner and practically runs her bathwater.
One problem… WHY THE FCUK isn’t he taking out the TRASH?!?! I mean really. Sir??? Excuse me.(tap.tap.tap) Sir? Ummmm. Did you not see that the mf’n trash needed to be taken out the LAST time you were in the kitchen??? I mean, you ARE in fact taking warm showers and using the electricity that I help pay for. Is it too much to ask for you to take the trash out? Feel free to tell me if it is. Now I could see if I asked you to cut the lawn, pull some weeds,chop some wood, repaint the house or somethin’…but I haven’t! Lol. You are in our home a good 20 hrs of each day…is there something else preventing you from getting your ass up and taking the trash out? Let me know! Before your morning jog how about you jog your ass through the kitchen and take out the trash on your way out? Hmmmm. That doesn’t work for ya? Well I’ve noticed that afternoon jog you love to take, how bout you take it out then? Does that fit into your BUSY schedule? Lol Shat! How bout my roommate should have his ass taking it out since he isn’t bright enough to know that he should ? Of course that’s too much like right.sigh There are a few things in my chivalry rulebook that I require for you to be in my good graces. 3 standout to to me right now.
1. Open the door and let me walk through FIRST.
2.Walk on the outside of the sidewalk (closest to traffic) when walking down the street with me
3. TAKE OUT THE TRASH!
I’ve been trying not to take a shit on chivalry (or on my roommates bf) but damn, taking out the trash only begins to scratch the surface on the Guide to being a Chivalrous Man.
Hmmmmm. Maybe I’ll type up cliffnotes….
Call me Oscar.. but just take out the TRASH..just do it!
Jolie Fatale
FeFe Fatale
